My experience at being some man's son has not been the typical path and I really don't know what I want to take away from the fathers I know in the generation before mine. My mother and father were never married and my father's presence in my life has been quite sporadic. Currently we have a pretty good relationship as grown men who happen to share a genetic connection. I like it that way. I get to discount my childhood and don't have to get into a judgmental thought processes. Circumstances just were what they were, and after all he is a pretty cool guy. However, he will not be my role model for the kind of father I want to be. No offense dad, but those are the facts. I know how much you care and how proud you are of me. I learned a lot from you and I am glad we are friends but I am not going to do things the way you did; I think you already know this.
One comforting factor is that men of my generation and age group are struggling with same question. Many of my friends are becoming fathers for the first time. In the case of my good friend Jordan he went from being the father of one to the father of three when he and his wife had twins. I see the struggles and joys that he faces and it simultaneously gives me hope and nightmares. One of his twin boys just faced down a life threatening condition. I don't think I would be able to handle that as well as he did.
Jordan by the way is an amazing writer (and person for that matter) and you can read about his son's fight with Biliary Atresia here. Please read it, it is worth your time and this condition is not well understood.
This phenomenon of men having to learn how to fathers in this generation is not unique to men like myself with interesting familial situations. Even men who grew up with the traditional background with parents that were married and remained that way have no choice but to forge a different path than their own fathers. They seem to have no other option but to do it differently. The old models just don't apply anymore. For one thing it seems that more is expected of men of this generation who are now mostly in their late twenties to mid thirties. Because our generation opted to have children later than then last generation did the old rules no longer work.
The last generation could afford to be weekend fathers. Men today can't go out, earn a paycheck and come home in time to put the kids to bed, have a scotch and go to bed themselves. At least among my social group men are expected to have a lot more interaction and a greater role on a daily basis. They are heavily involved and tracking feeding, changing diapers and negotiating with wives the new family construct. No offense to the last generation but it seems the bar is set much higher this generation.
So this is a long rambling way to say I am going to be a father and I need to learn what is going to mean to be a dad. It is 19 weeks into the pregnancy so I guess I have some time to figure it out.
Maybe I should build a crib.
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| My wife had a more eloquent way of saying it. |
