I'm Going to be a Father

I am going to be a father. It's not like it came as unexpected. My wife and I had been "trying" for about a year. We have announced it to friends and family through all the usual means of communication and social media but I have been reluctant to place anything on here. In part because I am still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with this space and in part because I've used this space to try to explore the masculine and this next step... well I really don't know what it means in this context.

My experience at being some man's son has not been the typical path and I really don't know what I want to take away from the fathers I know in the generation before mine. My mother and father were never married and my father's presence in my life has been quite sporadic. Currently we have a pretty good relationship as grown men who happen to share a genetic connection. I like it that way. I get to discount my childhood and don't have to get into a judgmental thought processes. Circumstances just were what they were, and after all he is a pretty cool guy. However, he will not be my role model for the kind of father I want to be. No offense dad, but those are the facts. I know how much you care and how proud you are of me. I learned a lot from you and I am glad we are friends but I am not going to do things the way you did; I think you already know this.

One comforting factor is that men of my generation and age group are struggling with same question. Many of my friends are becoming fathers for the first time. In the case of my good friend Jordan he went from being the father of one to the father of three when he and his wife had twins. I see the struggles and joys that he faces and it simultaneously gives me hope and nightmares. One of his twin boys just faced down a life threatening condition. I don't think I would be able to handle that as well as he did.

Jordan by the way is an amazing writer (and person for that matter) and you can read about his son's fight with Biliary Atresia here. Please read it, it is worth your time and this condition is not well understood.

This phenomenon of men having to learn how to fathers in this generation is not unique to men like myself with interesting familial situations. Even men who grew up with the traditional background with parents that were married and remained that way have no choice but to forge a different path than their own fathers. They seem to have no other option but to do it differently. The old models just don't apply anymore. For one thing it seems that more is expected of men of this generation who are now mostly in their late twenties to mid thirties. Because our generation opted to have children later than then last generation did the old rules no longer work.

The last generation could afford to be weekend fathers. Men today can't go out, earn a paycheck and come home in time to put the kids to bed, have a scotch and go to bed themselves. At least among my social group men are expected to have a lot more interaction and a greater role on a daily basis. They are heavily involved and tracking feeding, changing diapers and negotiating with wives the new family construct. No offense to the last generation but it seems the bar is set much higher this generation.

So this is a long rambling way to say I am going to be a father and I need to learn what is going to mean to be a dad. It is 19 weeks into the pregnancy so I guess I have some time to figure it out.

Maybe I should build a crib.

My wife had a more eloquent way of saying it.

Has it really been over a year?

Looking at this blog my last post was March 21, 2011. I have picked up and put down this project several times. I have reformatted, deleted a whole series of posts that I felt were no longer representative of who I am and changed focus and format. Yet, for some reason I have not gotten hooked on this whole blogging thing.

There is an overabundance of people who are in constant need to profess their expertise in blog format. They can shout at the top of their lungs why their opinion is the best, their diet will save your life, their god will lead you to salvation and their money tips will make you rich. They seem to be able to post daily, or more, with an ease that I have yet to find.

Then there are bloggers like my wife (who keeps a wonderful blog by the way) that keep a chronicle of their experience. If you like it and want take anything away from it, that is up to you. Her recipes are on her page with her art and her wonderful attitude. The pleasure she derives is from the sharing of ideas and experience. You decide if you take it or leave, she forces nothing on you. She posts when inspiration hits and puts it away until it is needed again. I like that.

I guess my question is "what is the purpose of this blog called livin' the dream?" The title started off as a sarcastic nod to the spirit and resolve of the military person. It is the phrase muttered when things are bad, they can only get worse, but you know you are going to drive forward anyway. My view of the phrase changed with my marriage and the formation of my life as I know it, I am living the dream in the best sense. But the though stuff hasn't gone away, if anything the problems are bigger. Is it possible that both meanings are allowed to apply to this title?

I need topics. I am interested in the definitions of what it means to be a man, especially at this time in history when it is unfashionable to be one. I come to you as a man of good report and well recommended. Just recently being able to go through the ritual and initiation that is so vital to the male psyche. I would like to share this experience and engage this discussion. Is this the correct format? Should I bother when others are able to do it better, or at least have a whole staff to do it more often?

I want to explore what it means to be a person of moderate views with a bent toward progressive action. I deplore bullies and those that can shape the world to their reality simply because they can yell louder.

There are few areas where I would call myself and expert. I have learned a thing or two in 31 years of life, maybe some of that will help.

Why have I not written in a year? Maybe it is because I no longer have the vigor of my youth where I would fight the bullies by being a bully to them. I no longer have the energy to yell loudly about quiet causes. Many (but by no means all) of my rough edges have been smoothed over. I have lost my voice to yell. Can I draw people in if I speak quietly?

I have changed career path recently as well. I am attempting to become a communicator by trade. As a message man I don't want the spot light on myself. I want to focus on those people that can tell the story better than I can. Then what do I do with a blog since they are so often an outlet for narcissism?

What does this mean for the future of this little web-log? I'm not sure. Just that I want to give it another shot.